the 1: Just thought I’d let you know

I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit

Been saying “yes” instead of “no”,

I thought I saw you at the bus stop,

I didn’t, though.

 

Well, not really. I haven’t been on any shit at all; it’s been the same past few days, past few weeks, past few months. With the pandemic a reality, and the end nowhere in sight, things have remained largely the same. I wake up, disgruntled, and then I roll over towards the side of my bed, waiting for your messages I’m sure will never arrive. I’ll do a few stretches (though I haven’t done — or taught — yoga in a while), then I’ll maybe write, I’ll maybe read, I’ll maybe paint. Maybe I’ll hang out with Lily and give her a bath, maybe I’ll succumb to my depression. Maybe I’ll go out and bike around, maybe I’ll look for your familiar face amongst strangers and acquaintances, maybe I’ll imagine you were next to me while we pretend we know the stories of people walking around, alternating between ourselves conversations and lives we imagine they live.

 

x x x

I guess you never know, never know

And if you wanted me, you really should’ve showed

And if you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow

And it’s alright now

 

But you showed, and I showed. Except it wasn’t going to be what we would have wanted it.

 

It’s still not alright. I still look for you in places I know you will never be found.

 

But we were something, don’t you think so?

Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool

And if my wishes came true

It would’ve been you

In my defense, I have none

For never leaving well enough alone

But it would’ve been fun

If you would’ve been the one

 

Would have, could have, should have.

 

It was fun with you around, and nobody could make me laugh more, or have allowed me more to be myself. With you I would never worry about nerding out, or admitting I didn’t know, or crying when I couldn’t explain my frustration. With you I can not decide; I can geek out about my notes; I can talk to you about my art. Through it all you allowed me to work through my emotions, never letting me feel like my tears — which made me soft — made me weak; never allowing my anger — which would make me volcanic — to consume me.

 

You made me feel sane. And listened to. And valuable.

 

And maybe I will let you read this someday — maybe when I stop longing for your messages, maybe when I stop waiting for you to watch my stories.

 

But for now, I thought I’d just write this down.

 

I have this dream you’re doing cool shit

Having adventures on your own

You meet some woman on the internet and take her home

We never painted by the numbers, baby

But we were making it count

You know the greatest loves of all time are over now

 

I thought it would have been possible for us to have the adventures — the hikes, the dives, the meandering amongst greeneries in public parks.

 

And now it fills me with dread that you might do the same with someone else; with whose fingers you’ll intertwine yours; on whose head you’ll rest your chin as you drift to sleep.

 

But still — perhaps it was good that it ended when it did. You made me happy up close, you make me happy from afar.

 

But it was probably just not meant to be.

 

I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you

If one thing had been different

Would everything be different today?

 

You know, I never asked you, and I don’t plan on doing so. It fills me with a kind of certainty to my gut — if things had been different; if one thing wasn’t the same; if you or I were born to a different world, things would have been different today.

 

And for now, all I have are wishes of how things could have been. How life would have become.

 

And I’m unhappy.

 

But at least I knew we were different very early on. I just wished I didn’t hope too much that we would intersect.

 

Then maybe I wouldn’t be pining for you, after all this time.

 

x x x

And it would’ve been sweet

If it could’ve been me

 

I don’t know if you believe in an afterlife, of where people go when they leave this earth, and what happens to their souls.

 

But maybe, hopefully, in another universe where things are different; in another life where I could choose you, you could have been the one.

 

It could have been me.

 

—–

 

So, hey. You.

 

I hope you’re okay.

 

And also, I just wanted to let you know.