[AUTHOR’S NOTE: I initially didn’t want to write the obligatory “getting a year older” post, but I guess what with my stubbornness (and my need to get my mind off of work for a while), I could write one more — at least to symbolically say good bye to my teenage years. UNEDITED.]
I’ve never been a fan of growing up. I guess it’s the Peter Pan in me — the one who loves spending days frollicking under the heat of the sun, unabashed and uncaring of what the “adults” may think of; the one who would laugh at the idea of melted ice cream coating my hands; the one who would rather sleep in or not sleep at all over waking up early and starting the day right. I don’t know, it’s just that the idea of growing up (or old) always seemed so far away, to me at least, and whenever I thought of me as an adult, I would shudder in annoyance, maybe even disgust… perhaps even a little bit of fear.
What do I do once I’ve grown up? How do I manage?
Looking back, however, as I write this piece — I guess I’ve been growing up little by little, if not growing old. I mean, I’ve transitioned from impatiently waiting for my parents to give me my allowance to working for it myself, from not going anywhere without anyone older than me to venturing to places unknown, from throwing tantrums to… still throwing them, but in private now, or in the comforts of a friend’s home. Heh.
What was I so afraid of?
And ultimately, is it that wrong to be afraid after all?
Now that I’m turning 20, I’ve learned that it’s valid to worry about things in the future, mostly because it’s uncertain, but also because it holds so much. But also, I’ve learned that it’s perfectly fine to live in the present, and let the future worry about itself, because no matter how terrible today is, or how bleak the future appears to be, it’s going to be okay. And if that’s not enough to make you believe so, then I’m saying it again, this time with italics, because it just might help: the future is going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.
(So hey, present self who’s turning 20 in half an hour — you’re okay. And you will be. You always were. I hope you read this over and over again in those dark moments in the future — those moments where you hate yourself, where you resist eating, where there’s nothing you want to do but claw your eyeballs out of their sockets in exhaustion, or fear, or dismay, or rejection, where you wonder if you should just quit or run away — because it’s true. And if it isn’t true when you’re reading this, then try your best, get help if you must, to make it true again. Don’t rush into things, but don’t slow yourself down too much. Keep up the pace, and you’ll get there eventually, wherever it is, whatever it is — hopefully it’s the good things, like happiness, peace, love, friendship, and adventure.)
I’ve always thought that by the time I’d be 20 I’d be perfect. I’d have mastered 3 other languages, I’d have published my own book, I’d have visited half the world, I’d have graduated with honours from my dream school, I’d have found the love of my life, I’d have achieved self-actualization (thanks, Maslow)… but I haven’t. I mean, I’m in the process of studying another language, I have been an editorial assistant in a book, I have visited a large chunk of the Philippines, I graduated (yay!) with a double major in 4 years, I’ve found out that I have this incessant desire to travel, and I realized (or rather, people have made me realize) that I’ve inspired them. Technicalities aside, I think being an inspiration is better than being self-actualized, maybe I’m wrong, though, but should I be afraid of being wrong?
Plus, I have the rest of my life to accomplish the things I thought I would have done by 20.
So yep, no regrets, just excitement for what this roller coaster ride has yet in store for me.
Happy birthday, self. Kick ass, stay grounded, keep your head up, and screw marching on. Rather, dance your way through life. Slow down, speed up, pirouette, twirl, pose, jump, split, tumble, rise, do a grand jete. Here’s to more years of climbing mountains, chasing dreams, and inspiring lives. Here’s to more years of laughter, growth, and courage. Here’s to more years of love, family, and protection.
Pray that this year’ll be better than the last, and look forward to what tomorrow may bring.
The best, I’m sure, is yet to come.
Of perpetual finds 